Slappy Bruce

B: Hey do you think if I walk around all day excessively pigeon toed that nobody will talk to me?

T: Would you be naked?

B: Well, I’m naked now.

T: Bring out the pickles!!!!!!

B: I told Amanda about that one… she laughed for a moment. then she said, “You guys are sooooo weird.”

T: You should tell Amanda. “Psst hey Amanda. I just pooped my pants. Can you please bring me some pickles?”

T: I am talking to Amy Osbourne right now.

B: Who is that?

T: Ozzy Osbourne’s daughter.

B: You should tell her that you just pooped in your pants.

B: Did you slather any parts of your body with an edible substance before getting dressed? If so, which parts and what substance?

T: I like to put a little butter between my thighs so when I walk they don’t chafe.

B: Butter, interesting. I like to slip a little dollop of cake frosting in between my second and fourth knuckles.

Then I slip some gloves on. Gloves made out of meat. I just nibble away for the rest of the day on meat and cake frosting. But, while nibbling, I hold up my middle finger. You can bet that generates some funny conversations.

T: Who farted in front of each other first. you or Deb?

B: Actually, it happened simultaneously the moment the pastor said, “You may kiss the bride.”  We decided that instead of a first kiss, we would wow the audience with simultaneous flatulence. 

T: Have you ever sharted?

B: Uh, maybe I should stop reading your comments out loud until after I’ve read them quietly to myself.

T: There is nothing wrong with sharted. You can say that on the radio.

B: Oh. Okay. Well, then, here goes… (can you hear me reading this out loud, my voice echoing down the hallway of my building?)

T: SHARTEEED ED ED ED

T: So?

B: Well I have been to Chicago, I’ll tell you that much.

T: Oh, okay.

B: I’m not comfortable being totally honest until I find out if you’re publishing this material.

T: hahha see briansdirtylittlesecrets.com or brianthesharter.com

T: Have you been to my website? hosepooper.com

B: hahha Sorry but the name sounds slightly gay (and not as in lame).

T: Like a gay lube company

Silence

T: You can’t leave me hangin on that gem. It makes it seem like that wasn’t funny or your Pastor walked in to you reading out loud “gay lube company.”

B: Sorry..haahhahahah. It was funny, it was. It’s just that, I’ve been getting into a lot of hot water lately.

T: You got a jacuzzi?

B: For… reading these out loud to my co-workers.

T: Oh, your co-workers are getting offended?

B: They say I’m a foul man.

T: Well then you have to tell them if they are getting offended then you will have to stop reading it out loud. And if that happens they will never hear anything funny again. Because we ARE funny. poohose.com? That is funny. We know funny. Ranks right up there with poolube.com or hosepooper.com

B: Yeah, I know. That is the obvious solution. But it seems that they are nourished by these readings. At the same time as being offended.

B: Can you go ahead and reserve those web addresses, just in case. I don’t care how much you have to spend. You can write it off can you?

B: Do you have any experience with cooties?

T: No, just anal dwelling butt monkeys.

B: Bailey is soooo confused by that part of Bruce Almighty.

T: You see buddy, the monkey comes out of his butt. God put him there. Then put him back again. And if you don’t eat your peas, watch out!

When me and Tom were in high school we promised each other that if we weren’t married by the time we were thirty, that we would legally change our names to the same name.

Here are some of the names we considered.

1. Terry Jerimetrious

2. Biff Pocoroba

3. Arnold Farquhar

4. Nigel Dick

5. Thad Snodgrass

6. Nathaniel Snerpas

7. Noodnic Shpilkes

8. Felipe Strokes

9.Brazilian Geek Snake

10. Shlomo

B: I have the terrible urge to laugh during occasions that demand dignified silence.

T: You should try flatulence. It is much more interesting.

B: Hi Tom.

T: Hey buddy. How you doin?

B: I’m doing fine. I just got in from the airport. It’s a nice airport. 

T”: What were you doing at an airport? Giving out flowers?

B: Hahahha no. I was getting searched. I just do it for the touching.

B: What are you doing right now? Are you eating sandwiches and drinking beer in a phone booth on the corner?

T: No I am sitting naked next to a homeless person eating strained peas out of a bucket. What are you doing?

B: I’m standing in my driveway eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery with my shirt off.

T: With one of those welders melting the cheese in the other hand?

B: Yeah.

T: One of my coworkers sent me this: ‘What about a forest connection with the domain of the public namespace with public cert to the private domain name?’ I kind of understand it.

B: Whoa. Any time I see the word “public” in my mind I replace it with the word “pubic.”

T: Hahaha Pubic namespace.

B: Sounds like you’re selling advertising space on your schlong.

T: It says HOT on my wang. When happy it says Harry’s Ophthalmology and Taxidermy.

B: Those are two pretty divergent business ventures. Harry must be a versatile guy.