Slappy Bruce

Next time you’re about to get arrested, just say, “If you lock me up, I’ll burn my peter.”

B: For easter we gave the kids a basket full of menthol cigarettes.

T: You’re the bestest parents. Real cigarettes or the bubble gum?

B: Is there a difference?

B: Do you still hold the world record for hardest rocking down syndrome kid?

T: No they figured out I didn’t have down syndrome. It wasn’t pretty. I was attacked by 30 down syndrome kids.

B: Haha. “You’re not one of us!”

T: Yeah it was a pretty cool attack though. They kinda just slobbered on me and gently nudged me with their heads.

B: Sounds like my Saturday night.

B: For lunch I ate an entire family-sized chicken pot pie and then promptly fell asleep.

T: Sweet. Which family was in the pie?

B: No, it was a pie made out of chicken pots.

T: Chicken pot? Is that you whiteys smoke over there?

B: Did you meet your best friend in a shoe store?

T: Poo store.

B: Oh. What do they sell there?

T: Crepes.

B: Poo crepes?

T: No, just crepes.

T: Wanna do lunch?

B: Sure. Only, Deb is working with me in the office today. We were gonna have a working lunch.

T: Want me to pick you guys up some burritos?

B: That sounds berry tempting. Shall we eat here in my office?

T: Yeah if you want to. or we could eat  in Amanda’s office.

B: Amanda is here though. It would be funny if we all ate at her desk.

T: Even bettter!

B: If you were to pick us up some burritos, could we pay you back with a head massage and a complimentary prostate exam?

B: Hey, any chance you can get off work early and go watch Iron Man 2? It is a moral imperative.

T: Can’t. I have already met 4 white people today. That’s 3 over my daily allowance

B: Can’t you make an exception today?

T: And they scheduled me elsewhere.

B: Nuts. I’m gonna go dig a hole.

T: Cool. A bung hole??

B: Already got one of those. Just a hole. That’s what I do when I can’t focus. You should see our backyard. Full of holes.

B: As Lord of your manor, do you reserve the right to molest dwarves on their birthdays?

T: No I don’t reserve the right. They know it’s coming, guaranteed!!

B: What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?

T: Instant loss of bowel control.

B: That sounds unpleasant. Especially if you were in line somewhere.

B: Ever call anyone an ID ten T?

T: You mean an ID10T error?

B: Yep. How bout a Picnic error?

T: Problem Is Cheese Near Inner Colon?

B: Haha - ”Uh, sir, you’re problem is that you have cheese near your inner colon.”