Slappy Bruce

B: What are you doing right now? Are you eating sandwiches and drinking beer in a phone booth on the corner?

T: No I am sitting naked next to a homeless person eating strained peas out of a bucket. What are you doing?

B: I’m standing in my driveway eating a block of cheese the size of a car battery with my shirt off.

T: With one of those welders melting the cheese in the other hand?

B: Yeah.

B: I just told Amanda about this line of discussion we’re having and she said, “You guys are the weirdest friends I have ever known.”

T: Your sister?

B: No, Amanda, the one with the tangerine sized fists. Anyhow, it means a lot coming from her because she has some pretty weird friends. I told her as much and she said, “My friends are unique not weird.”

T: That is what a chick says when she has weird friends. “Who is that retarded gentleman eating corn cobs out of that bucket?” “Oh that is my friend Julio. He is unique.”

Occasionally Tom and I like to play a word association game

Example:

T: Carbonated water.
B; Reticulation.
T: Recumbent DNA.
B: Male pattern baldness.
T: Crap in a cup.
B: Wait, is that instructions or just a statement?
T: Corn in a bucket.
B: Are you wearing a bra?
T: Are you smelling your finger?
B: Not right now.
T: Pull up then pull down.