Slappy Bruce

B: Did you slather any parts of your body with an edible substance before getting dressed? If so, which parts and what substance?

T: I like to put a little butter between my thighs so when I walk they don’t chafe.

B: Butter, interesting. I like to slip a little dollop of cake frosting in between my second and fourth knuckles.

Then I slip some gloves on. Gloves made out of meat. I just nibble away for the rest of the day on meat and cake frosting. But, while nibbling, I hold up my middle finger. You can bet that generates some funny conversations.

B: How’s the new baby?

T: Stayed up all night last night.

B: Perhaps you would like to go bowling. I could cover a bowling ball with vasoline or butter.

T: Or poo?

B: Sure.

B: Besides Nicole, did  you consider naming her Astird?

T: I prefer Craptird.

B: Sounds like a good name for a parakeet.

T: Good morning Jerky.

B: Jerky?

T: Would you prefer sweet cheeks?

B: How bout my given name, LaPonicah

T: I’m Mr. Mom today.

B: What happened to the sitter? Did you fire her?

T: She quit.

B: Did she hand in a written resignation? Then did you poop on it?

T: No we pooped on her first.

B: Simultaneously?

T: Yeah. We wanted to give her a good reason to quit.

B: Deb could babysit.

T: How much does she charge? Can we pay her in peanut butter?

B: Did you pay the other sitter in peanut butter?

T: No. She likes jelly.

B: How bout just butter?

T: Or “I can’t believe it’s not butter.”

B: That would Probably work. As long as she couldn’t tell.

T: Or the “I can’t believe it’s not butter” spray.

B: We actually have the spray.

T: For deodorant and diaper rashes?

B:  No, we use it to grease door hinges and coat the wheels of our gurneys.

T: I wondered why Reese kept licking the hinges.

B: Well, that’s sort of a family hobby.